Can your 9 year old really be transgender?

*Just to note; My experience is not necessarily the experience of any other family, every one will be different. The bottom line here is that it takes TIME for our kids to discover themselves, and a good year of work with a qualified and experienced therapist is the best medicine.*

Well, I'll probably get a bit of heat for this post, but I feel this must be addressed. I see so many parents with young children (under 12) who are dealing with gender dysphoria, that I felt compelled to offer my two cents, and I will do so in the simplest terms.

First, let me remind myself (and others) that a gender dysphoria diagnosis requires a "persistent, insistent and consistent" desire to live as the gender opposite from which one was assigned at birth. (or which biological sex that  person is appropriated) This term is used by medical professionals, rather than the term "transgender" so as to adhere to the DSM diagnostic standard.

Now, let me give you a little back story about my son...

When he was two, he wore his grandmother's nightgown, and carefully inspected the (missing) genitalia of baby dolls, at four, he played with Tonka Trucks. By third grade, he hated school, but I think he mostly hated being forced to wear girl's clothing, and by 7th grade he was an utter mess.

Now, we didn't have a name for it then, but my son was transgender. IF someone had suggested this to me during third grade, I would have stoned them. But, looking back, I can see that he had identity issues all along. However, this didn't prevent him from becoming an excellent student, a curious and engaged member of society, and a wonderful big brother. He just did all that as a girl for the first 15 years of his life.

It wasn't until that 7th grade graduation that I realized something was wrong, and HE had finally found a name for it, that he didn't even share with me until two years later.

OK, so this is old news, and what does it have to do with a nine year old transgender child? EVERYTHING!

If my "daughter"  had told me in no uncertain terms at the age of nine that he was a boy, I would have probably just chalked it up to a phase and let him go on with his life. And yes, if persistent, I would have investigated further by the age of 13.

But looking back, I can see NO reason why making any change to his life prior to that age would have benefited him at all. His peers knew him as a girl, and that was hard enough, his teachers weren't all too accepting of a kid who was a little "different" in his artistic and creative manner, and I think I would have done him a great dis-service to single him out among peers by labeling him as Transgender.

In retrospect, I believe that HIS realization that there was a WORD to describe his feelings and HIS decision to come out, was far more cathartic than any label I could have given him. And though he may have benefited from an earlier intervention, I wasn't fully aware of his gender identity until he was well into his 15th year.

I believe that our (trans) kids will TELL us in the most direct way, when they are fully capable of understanding their circumstances, that they KNOW who they are. And sadly, I hesitate to think that most  nine year-olds have that capacity.

It's interesting to note that in some court cases in this state, a judge will hear testimony from a child of 14 years in regards to parental/guardianship rulings, and consider 14 to be an "age of reason". I have to admit I agree.

Now to the part where I may get beat up...

It seems like parents of transgender children are just popping up like Lily of the Valley, everywhere these days. I find it hard to fathom that there are SO many trans kids, (under 14) and that there are SO many doctors willing to provide hormone blockers for the duration of puberty. Yes, I can understand that this therapy works well in conjunction with ongoing treatment from a qualified mental health professional, but I don't believe it's the first course of treatment.  A solid year of work with a qualified therapist, who has experience with gender dysphoria and who supports a child living as their "true" self is a good start. *

(In full disclosure, I've always been suspicious of Big Pharma, and suspect that docs who prescribe hormone blockers are getting their usual kickbacks from the drug companies that provide them.)

My son and I have had many discussions on this topic, and while he identifies not as transgender, but only as male, he does have a bit of insight into the trans population. And he actually agrees with me on one point...that kids can be labeled as transgender, but they could very well be mis-identified as gender fluid, or gender binary in the process. And I have to suggest, they could also just be gender curious, as I was as a child. I always wanted to be "one of the guys" but it didn't happen, and I eventually got over it.

My take on it is like this...if a kid acts up in school, they're labeled with ADD, they act up in social situations? Labeled with Asperger's. Act like a girl or a boy? Labeled as transgender. Where does it end? Why are parents so willing to put a label on kids to describe their beautiful, wonderful differences? Maybe your son LOVES to dress up in girls clothing, maybe he's very sensitive to his feminine surroundings, and wants to adopt a feminine name...That's FANTASTIC, but it doesn't mean he's transgender. He could be gender fluid, or even (gasp) gay! Or maybe just sensitive to the women around him?? Would that be so bad?

Why the labels? Why at nine years old? That's my issue.

I know that people say we have a strong gender identity at a young age, but guess what...we don't. I'm almost 50 and I still don't know from one day to the next if I want to be a man or a woman, but I don't go out and get medication for it. I just am, and I love being who I am, and I want all our kids to just be who they are, too.


*Mental health professionals who specialize in gender dysphoria are widely available in the U.S. and most physicians recommend a minimum of six months work with a qualified therapist before beginning any course of hormone treatment.