New Movie!

I just discovered a new movie, titled "About Ray", premiering Sept 8, about a girl (Elle Fanning) who transitions to a boy, and how her Mom (Naomi Watts) and lesbian grandmother (Susan Sarandon) handle the situation.
The trailer brought tears to my eyes, as there are typical scenarios that hit home, but I'm glad that the general public will be able to see what it's like for our kids to handle this journey.

You can see the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2S8HVoWm9ec

An Addendum

In my most recent post, I may have given the impression that young kids don't know that they are transgender, and I want to make sure that my statement is clear.

I do believe that most transgender people know they are different from a very young age. My concern is with what we do with and to them in the interim before they become adults.

I've recently had a chance to speak with some lovely trans youths, most around the age of 17-25, and it saddens me to see how they are struggling with making the enormous changes in their lives. Many of them are now seeking hormone therapy to help them become their true selves, and I try to offer resources to competent professionals whenever I can.

But oddly, it's the Anti-vaccine people who stick in my head throughout all of this. I do believe in vaccinations for children, although I'm not entirely sure that a massive dose of combination drugs is good for any child, and that the schedule needs some revision. I feel the same way about hormone blockers, or puberty blockers.

AND again, from my own experience...My son had to sit through a litany of potential side effects, some fatal, as explained by his endocrinologist, before receiving testosterone therapy. That was downright scary for a parent! If you're not concerned that these medications (which are fairly new) can cause harm to your child, then maybe you DO need more time to spend with therapists, and with trained professionals who can help better assess the risks. And there are many risks.

If a young girl who identifies as a boy, begins puberty blockers, and subsequently begins Testosterone therapy, she has a good chance of permanent damage to her reproduction system. If she changes her mind, she may never be able to have children. If a male child begins estrogen treatment, he may never be able to father a child. These are the issues that young children, are not able to fully comprehend, which is why I advocate for therapeutic treatment before hormone treatment.

Ok, let the hate speech begin.

Feedback

Well, it appears that my last post was taken entirely wrong, but thanks to the feedback of some folks, I'd like to clarify...It's a shame that folks didn't have the courage to address me here, rather they chose to bully me in what I considered a "safe environment" in the form of a Facebook group. I've since left the group, since my opinion was not only unwanted, but targeted as some form of hatred. I have a right to my opinion, this is my blog, if you don't agree, move along. 

I am in NO way judging the actions of other parents in their quest to support their children. I applaud them wholeheartedly for that.

I AM however, worried that many physicians and psychologists have not had the proper experience or exposure to properly diagnose gender dysphoria (and I never said Transgender and Gender Dysphoria are interchangeable, I specifically said that GD is the terminology that's used for medical diagnosis, to reflect someone who is uncomfortable living in the body they currently own) often times we just refer to it as transgender but there is a difference.

When we first met with our Endocrinologist, he hadn't much experience with gender dysphoria. However, he did his due diligence, and in order to provide a prescription for my son, he diagnosed him with a testicular deficiency (naturally, since he didn't have testes). But he didn't immediately suggest any hormone therapy. He took time to send my son for blood work, consult with his therapist, and ultimately decided since my son had been living as a boy for over a year, that hormone therapy was the next step.

If you have read any of this blog before, you will see that I advocate for solid therapeutic treatment for a transgender person of any age, prior to hormone replacement, and I will continue to believe this is a very good thing. *(If you can't or won't commit to giving your child six or more months of therapy to sort out their feelings, regardless of whether it's gender related, then yes, I do consider you a bad parent. Don't tell me that you can't afford it, there are more than enough free counseling services available, and all children should have the support that they need regardless of their "condition".)

My concern here is mostly regarding the unscrupulous "professionals" who, like those that improperly diagnose a wide array of "conditions" like ADD, Asperger's, etc, etc. that our kids may be given a less than thorough evaluation, and less than adequate care. There seems to be a habit among physicians to hand us a "magic pill" and send us out the door these days.

I in no way intended to disparage those parents who have done their due diligence, and arrived at a happy outcome. I hope that this clarifies my position a little bit, but as I said, this is only my opinion and I'm not a medical professional, nor am I speaking for anyone else's experience but my own.

Having said that, please read on, and remember that I wish you all the best in your journeys to find the true self.

Can your 9 year old really be transgender?

*Just to note; My experience is not necessarily the experience of any other family, every one will be different. The bottom line here is that it takes TIME for our kids to discover themselves, and a good year of work with a qualified and experienced therapist is the best medicine.*

Well, I'll probably get a bit of heat for this post, but I feel this must be addressed. I see so many parents with young children (under 12) who are dealing with gender dysphoria, that I felt compelled to offer my two cents, and I will do so in the simplest terms.

First, let me remind myself (and others) that a gender dysphoria diagnosis requires a "persistent, insistent and consistent" desire to live as the gender opposite from which one was assigned at birth. (or which biological sex that  person is appropriated) This term is used by medical professionals, rather than the term "transgender" so as to adhere to the DSM diagnostic standard.

Now, let me give you a little back story about my son...

When he was two, he wore his grandmother's nightgown, and carefully inspected the (missing) genitalia of baby dolls, at four, he played with Tonka Trucks. By third grade, he hated school, but I think he mostly hated being forced to wear girl's clothing, and by 7th grade he was an utter mess.

Now, we didn't have a name for it then, but my son was transgender. IF someone had suggested this to me during third grade, I would have stoned them. But, looking back, I can see that he had identity issues all along. However, this didn't prevent him from becoming an excellent student, a curious and engaged member of society, and a wonderful big brother. He just did all that as a girl for the first 15 years of his life.

It wasn't until that 7th grade graduation that I realized something was wrong, and HE had finally found a name for it, that he didn't even share with me until two years later.

OK, so this is old news, and what does it have to do with a nine year old transgender child? EVERYTHING!

If my "daughter"  had told me in no uncertain terms at the age of nine that he was a boy, I would have probably just chalked it up to a phase and let him go on with his life. And yes, if persistent, I would have investigated further by the age of 13.

But looking back, I can see NO reason why making any change to his life prior to that age would have benefited him at all. His peers knew him as a girl, and that was hard enough, his teachers weren't all too accepting of a kid who was a little "different" in his artistic and creative manner, and I think I would have done him a great dis-service to single him out among peers by labeling him as Transgender.

In retrospect, I believe that HIS realization that there was a WORD to describe his feelings and HIS decision to come out, was far more cathartic than any label I could have given him. And though he may have benefited from an earlier intervention, I wasn't fully aware of his gender identity until he was well into his 15th year.

I believe that our (trans) kids will TELL us in the most direct way, when they are fully capable of understanding their circumstances, that they KNOW who they are. And sadly, I hesitate to think that most  nine year-olds have that capacity.

It's interesting to note that in some court cases in this state, a judge will hear testimony from a child of 14 years in regards to parental/guardianship rulings, and consider 14 to be an "age of reason". I have to admit I agree.

Now to the part where I may get beat up...

It seems like parents of transgender children are just popping up like Lily of the Valley, everywhere these days. I find it hard to fathom that there are SO many trans kids, (under 14) and that there are SO many doctors willing to provide hormone blockers for the duration of puberty. Yes, I can understand that this therapy works well in conjunction with ongoing treatment from a qualified mental health professional, but I don't believe it's the first course of treatment.  A solid year of work with a qualified therapist, who has experience with gender dysphoria and who supports a child living as their "true" self is a good start. *

(In full disclosure, I've always been suspicious of Big Pharma, and suspect that docs who prescribe hormone blockers are getting their usual kickbacks from the drug companies that provide them.)

My son and I have had many discussions on this topic, and while he identifies not as transgender, but only as male, he does have a bit of insight into the trans population. And he actually agrees with me on one point...that kids can be labeled as transgender, but they could very well be mis-identified as gender fluid, or gender binary in the process. And I have to suggest, they could also just be gender curious, as I was as a child. I always wanted to be "one of the guys" but it didn't happen, and I eventually got over it.

My take on it is like this...if a kid acts up in school, they're labeled with ADD, they act up in social situations? Labeled with Asperger's. Act like a girl or a boy? Labeled as transgender. Where does it end? Why are parents so willing to put a label on kids to describe their beautiful, wonderful differences? Maybe your son LOVES to dress up in girls clothing, maybe he's very sensitive to his feminine surroundings, and wants to adopt a feminine name...That's FANTASTIC, but it doesn't mean he's transgender. He could be gender fluid, or even (gasp) gay! Or maybe just sensitive to the women around him?? Would that be so bad?

Why the labels? Why at nine years old? That's my issue.

I know that people say we have a strong gender identity at a young age, but guess what...we don't. I'm almost 50 and I still don't know from one day to the next if I want to be a man or a woman, but I don't go out and get medication for it. I just am, and I love being who I am, and I want all our kids to just be who they are, too.


*Mental health professionals who specialize in gender dysphoria are widely available in the U.S. and most physicians recommend a minimum of six months work with a qualified therapist before beginning any course of hormone treatment.

Are you ready to parent a transgender child?

So I've recently seen quite a few parents deal with the very early stages of transition for their children. And I had to wonder, if you all knew what you were getting into? I think we're never prepared for every little glitch along the way, but I thought it might be a good idea to offer some food for thought.

You may want to ask yourself, first, how committed you are to supporting your child's transition;

*Are you able/willing to seek out a counselor who has solid experience with transgender issues? Will you be able to travel if they're not local? Is it affordable? Most good therapists will recommend that your child live as their preferred gender for a year, and continue counseling throughout that period, before referring them to an endocrinologist.

*Is there an experienced endocrinologist in your area? Is it affordable? Hormone therapy is generally not covered by insurance for the purpose of treating gender dysphoria. Even some of the lab tests are not covered, and can be very pricey.

*Hormones; Is your child willing to self inject the hormones every week for the rest of their lives? Is it affordable? We are lucky to have a doc who prescribes smaller amounts of testosterone every few months so it's not a big hit, but generally a six month dose costs around $100 in the U.S. The needles, however, are covered.

And that's just the nuts-and-bolts of it.

After that first year, and upon receiving hormone treatment, you may be faced with a legal name change, change in social security cards, school records, etc. etc.

Then there's the transition itself. Are you able to accept that your child is no longer a boy/girl? Are you able to gain acceptance from your family, friends and community? What will life look like a year from now? Two? Twenty?

If it sounds like I'm being negative about the process, trust me I am not. I am, however, hoping that parents will think very carefully about their OWN situation, as well as their child's. I think all too often we neglect our own needs and abilities in an effort to be a good, supportive parent to our kids, no matter who they are, or who they want to be.

Please check out my "resources" tab, for links to info and sites that you may find useful.

Best of luck on your journey together!

Lee

Must See Video!

Sam Killermann of Guidetogender.com has an excellent Ted Talk video, that is a "must see" for, well just about everyone.
It's not only very informative, but highly entertaining as well.

Watch it here http://www.guidetogender.com/2013/10/15/my-tedxtalk-understanding-the-complexities-of-gender-with-full-transcript/

Spring Cleaning!

I've refreshed the blog with a lighter theme, hopefully to make it more reader-friendly. I have also made it possible to post moderated comments without having a google account, and added the ability to follow this blog via your email. I hope this makes it a bit easier for everyone to stay in touch. Thanks for visiting!

Lee

Can we, should we- create our own reality?

Or...Why it's OK to let our kids create their own.

I'm noticing many parents of transgender kids worrying that their children suffer from depression, anxiety, even self harm, and they describe many of the same behaviours that my son displays. Keeping to themselves, wanting to stay in their room, not having a social life, a job, a drivers license.

And I wonder what percentage of them play video games? And here's why.

I too suffer from depression and anxiety, and I think I've discovered why. I think too much, and I feel too much. And sometimes the world just takes too much courage to confront, and “reality”* just tears out my heart. It makes me sad, it makes me angry, and sometimes just downright too tired to care.

People laugh when I tell them I'm a video game addict. After all, I'm a Mom with three grown children. They don't believe me, or they think I have some serious mental health issues. Well, maybe the latter is true. But escaping to the virtual realms in games like World of Warcraft, or Skyrim, not only offer me a break from the everyday world, but allows me to be in charge of my existence in that virtual world. And that kind of power can restore some of the courage that I need to face the challenges of every day “reality”.

So I wonder, since almost every person I've met in the LGBT community, particularly transgender people, are some of the most highly intelligent, sensitive and creative people...can their uniqueness actually be a result of their greater sense of self?

I know this is dangerous water I'm treading, but if I'm perfectly honest with myself, I realize that my son, who is transgender, has a far superior ability to regulate his emotional state than I do. He knows when to shut out the “real world” and soothe his anxiety in the most positive way. He is more self aware than any other “normal adult” that he's expected to emulate. And I have to question if even his discovery of his gender identity was predetermined simply because of his creative mind?

Which brings me back to video games. My son is now creating his own virtual worlds, and is working toward applying his artistic and computer skills toward a “real” job. It's the only thing he is truly comfortable with, as far as job prospects go, and I think he will be excellent in any open-minded company.

And there is a social network among video gamers, who are able to express themselves fully. Creating a male character, when you were born female, allows others to see you exactly how you see yourself, without explanation.

So, parents of trans kids, when your child is acting “inappropriately”, it may be that they are just doing the best they can to protect themselves, harness their emotions, and gain some control over their own world. Maybe playing video games  helps them, at least temporarily, to create their own safe environment, and allow them to find their own courage to carry on in the real world.

Lee

* I use the term reality loosely, as a reference to what others perceive as the world in which they want us to live.

Community Support!

Hi All,

It's been a busy few months, and spring is finally here! Time to do some cleaning here on the blog, so things may be moved around a bit in the near future, but fear not, I'm determined to find new and exciting information to share!

Sharing among our community is very important, so that is what I shall do tonight.

First, I want to share that I am very excited to have begun the process to become a licensed foster care home for LGBTQ youth in need. I have completed the training and am on my way to completing the mountains of paperwork that go along with it. It turns out that there are many transgender, or non-gender conforming youth right here in our area who are homeless, and it just breaks my heart to think of ANY child being homeless, so I'm very much looking forward to helping even one child along their path of self discovery.

So, with that said, I realize that support for our trans kids from the community can make or break us.

I was fortunate in that when my son first transitioned, our immediate neighborhood was very supportive, as was his school. Sadly that isn't always the case, and I was reminded of that in quite a shocking way very recently.

Someone who I consider a dear friend, whom I've known for over 20 years, someone who's known most of my kids since they were babies, called me out on my parenting, because I allowed my son to transition.

Feeling that I had education and experience on my side, I didn't hesitate to volley his questions and accusations, but after a while, it just wore me down. The mother bear in me just felt cornered and I wanted to give up. After being questioned about why I allowed my son to choose his gender, I used my Hail Mary and asked my best friend, point blank..."And at what point did you choose to be gay?"

So I dodged the fatal bullet there, but I came home thinking a lot about other parents who may have had similar experiences. We're not really a large family, and we don't attend church services, nor are we very involved in our new community (yet), but I had to wonder...

What is it like for a family with a transgender child, when they DO have those connections? I know it's difficult enough dealing with school, and immediate family can be a pain, (not to make light of that at all) but how does a family cope with questions they may encounter from their community? Even grocery shopping can have it's pitfalls, just encountering people on a daily basis can be tiring, but what happens when someone actually starts to call into question your ability to raise your children? Your decision making? Your sanity?

I'm so grateful that there are resources on the internet, where I could share my concerns and receive such positive feedback, but it seems there's a lack of conversation about this issue in general.

 I wish there was a set of flash cards to use in response to some of the crazy stuff we'll face as parents of trans kids. I don't like confrontation, and although I consider myself very well educated in the transgender realms of society, biology, physiology, etc. I often find myself at a complete loss for words, when faced with either religious proselytizing or just downright stupidity.

I guess I'm lucky that it was my dear old friend who challenged me first, and maybe it was just good practice for what's yet to come.

Lee

Happy Birthday!

Well it's a belated post, but my dear son is no longer a teen. He turned 20 recently and Wow! What a difference from that confused 7th grader that I feared for. So to him I say Happy Birthday, I'm so glad to have you in my life.

This post isn't as much to you moms and dads, although I'm hopeful that you'll appreciate this at some point, but to you young folks out there who are in the process of transition.

My son doesn't "identify" as trans, he's just a boy, as he's always known he was. And I may be unusual in that my acceptance of that fact was just about immediate.  I firmly believe that parents have an intuitive knowledge about their children, and I think that parents know about these things probably way before you do, but it's often the case that they can't, or won't, believe it.

So I say to you, this is not your fault, and this is not your responsibility.

Your parents have a choice, whereas you do not.  They can accept you, they can question you or they can abandon you. My hope is that all human beings will do the very best they can for their children, but sometimes, they fail. They are human, after all.

So I want you to know that there are people out there who DO accept you, who love you exactly the way you are, and who are ready and willing to offer help if you need it. Please reach out before it's too late,
I want to take a moment to mention a lovely young girl, Taylor Alesana, whose YouTube channel I had found a while back and was inspired by her courage and spirit. Sadly, she did not have the support she needed, and ended her life this month. A little spark has gone from this world, and she will be greatly missed.

I recently found a wonderful man, Reverend Robert Teszlewicz, who is a great advocate for transgender youth. He shares his love for all humanity, no matter what the condition and he offers great hope to us all And you can find his videos that address specifically trans youth and their parents here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwGe35ZfUcU

Thank you Reverend, for all that you do to support our LGBT youth.

We are all concerned about the high suicide rate for young trans people, and there are some foster care agencies who deal specifically with LGBTQIA youth. So if you are in a very bad situation, please reach out to your local resource agency, for a referral to a safe home.

I have also opened up this blog to moderated comments, so if you need help, please feel free to reach out and I will do my best to find resources in your area.

Hang tough, you are perfect, just the way you are.


Lee

Thank you Jesus, for my transgender son

     So there's been  a lot of controversy with the recent passage of the Religious Freedom Act in Indiana, and it's given me a lot to think about. It's made me angry, it's made me sad, but mostly it's made me grateful that I have a beautiful relationship with my transgender son, and I still have a beautiful relationship with my God.

I grew up in a very strict Roman Catholic family, I attended church every Sunday and holiday, I sang in the choir, I even went to Catholic school. The kind with Nuns. I loved the nuns who cooked our lunch, especially, but I also loved Jesus, and from what I learned he was a very loving guy. Not the "fire and brimstone" kind of stuff that self proclaimed "Christians" spew these days, but a gentle, understanding man who yearned to bring ultimate peace and love to our world.

I won't go into all the reasons I believe that Jesus doesn't "hate" certain groups, because I know that there's plenty of folks out there with false interpretations of the bible who can argue with me. It's just MY belief. Oh, and I also happen to be a practicing Pagan, with the Stregherian tradition running long in my Italian heritage, and the ancient Celtic and Druidic traditions on the Irish side.

I guess you could say I represent a little bit of America, the great melting pot of all ethnicities and faiths. My children are also representative of the great diversity in this country, especially my transgender son.

He was my beautiful but sad daughter for nearly 16 years. I never could truly work out what was wrong but I knew it was something pretty powerful. I knew that prayer wouldn't fix it, I knew that punishment wouldn't do it either. I figured it was a period of typical teen angst and it would go away. I'm so glad it didn't. And I'm so glad that I was taught to love unconditionally.

He "came out" as transgender several months after he saved my life. During a brutal domestic violence assault, I had been beaten nearly to unconsciousness, and he jumped between me and my assailant and covered my head and my body with his. I could feel the blows of fists vibrate through  his ribs and into my back.  I also felt his strength and love and it's what helped me survive. He was only a 15 year old girl then. He saved my life that day.

So how, then could I give anything but love and support to him when he finally felt ready to reveal his true self to me? "This is my child", I've said. "You don't just throw them away because they're different." is the explanation I've tried to give to my doubtful family members. I know they don't get it, I understand that my 93 year old mother was brought up in a very different time with a very different set of ideals. But she's also the one who taught me that Jesus is LOVE. I just wish she could remember that now.  I wish all those self proclaimed Christians, who use the bible to spread their bigotry and hatred,  would remember that, too.

Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the most perfect son, who was born exactly as he should be.


Lee

"Transparent" worth watching!

Hi folks, just wanted to pop in and say hello and recommend that you watch the Golden Globe winning series "transparent" on amazon.com. Amazon is offering it for free this weekend, 1/24/15

It's not so much about the transgender father, played gloriously by Jeffrey Tambor, but more about normal dysfunctional human lives, and there's probably not a character to which we can't relate.

I urge all family and friends of trans people to watch it, you may see a bit of yourself in the series.

Peace and Love to all,

Lee